The last few weeks have been interesting. As I've been feeling better, I've had different thoughts come to mind. Thinking about the future, what could come next. Peter and I started talking about children again, and thinking about whether we want to adopt or if there are other options. Peter told me he heard about some transplant patients getting pregnant. I figured this was a really bad idea, but looked into it. It looks like there are definitely risks, but that a transplanted heart can take the strain of extra fluid and weight from pregnancy. I still think it is too much of a risk, as it can increase rejection. But, we had looked into the idea of extracting my eggs in the past, with the idea of maybe doing surrogacy, and that was not safe when I was in heart failure. But now, I wonder if it that could be an option. I emailed the team, but have not gotten an answer yet.
I also started to think about work and school. My initial plan, many years ago, before heart failure, was to get my PhD. Could that be a possibility now? Would I want to? I think that what it has shown me that it is ok for me to hope again. I realized that before transplant, even though we would think about the future, it could only go so far - to transplant, to after transplant, but not much further. I don't think I really realized it before, than I didn't really think about the "after" transplant part. And while there is still a lot more that has to happen to get to the future, I'm also excited about being able to think about it, pray about it, hope for it. Who knows what will happen, but at least now I can look forward without the constant fear of "what if" over my head.
Today I even had my very first solo "outing". I just went to Walgreens to pick up a prescription and some melatonin, but it was nice to be able to do something by myself.
This one has me 😭 what an amazing feeling to have hope again! To look towards the future without a cloud of fear over your head 😍
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